Deliciously British Read online

  “I agree. There must be some serious cobwebs down there. You need to break that spell, Delilah. And I mean as quickly as humanly possible.” Katrina’s eyes drop to my crotch and I suddenly feel quite self-conscious. “Find a cock for tonight if possible.”

  “Like I’m going to walk up to a stranger and say, ‘Hi, I’m Desperado from Austin. Can I borrow your cock for the night? I promise to return it by morning.’”

  “Yes,” Katrina and Piper answer in unison.

  I roll my eyes at them. “My vajayjay is doing just fine, thanks for asking,” I retort, hoping we’ll drop this conversation. I won’t mention I’ve never had an orgasm. That’s definitely too much info.

  “But that’s an eternity,” Piper presses on. Her hands go flying in the air before landing on her thighs with a loud slap. “That’s just not possible. No one can survive that.” Piper shakes her head vehemently. Well, it is. I’m proof.

  “Are you saying you didn’t date anyone while you were living in New York?” Katrina asks. My short stay in the Big Apple really crushed my confidence when it comes to dating and men.

  “I registered on online dating sites.” I cringe, reliving some of those lackluster first encounters. “I dated here and there, but it would never get as far as me sleeping with the guy. I was in a more serious relationship for a few months, but we never did it.”

  “Why? He didn’t have a cock?” Piper’s the one to ask, but both she and Katrina lose it at her suggestion.

  “Of course he did. All men do,” I add defensively. “I was trying to follow the ‘save yourself’ dating rule.”

  “The what?” Piper looks like she just bit into a sour lemon. “Is that an American thing?”

  I exhale and roll my eyes. “You know, I didn’t want to give away the milk before he bought the cow. I wanted to wait until it was meaningful.”

  “I understand not sleeping with a guy on the first date and even after the first week. Heck, hold off for a full thirty days. That said, if after sixty days he still hasn’t fucked you, it either means two things. One, he’s not into you and he’s dragging things out until someone better comes along. Two, he’s fucking so many other women on the side, he doesn’t mind having a platonic relationship with you.”

  Oh, there’s a third reason.

  “Piper’s right, Delilah. Guys are simple creatures. Sex is the cornerstone of a relationship for them, even when you’re involved in something long-term. How long were you with that guy?”

  “Four months.”

  “Mother of God.” Piper’s disbelief grows by the second.

  “And there was no action between the two of you?” Katrina bends her arms in a forty-five angle and sways her hips back and forth a few times, mimicking a person having sex.

  “Oh, God, that’s absolutely hilarious.” Piper laughs.

  “It’s a little more complicated than that,” I retort. It’s actually a minefield, but I don’t have to tell them that. “I have no intention of getting into it at work,” I state firmly. I pinch my lips in a straight line to drive my point. Sometimes in life you wish you could erase your memory bank. When Paul Creedon accosted me on the street looking for directions, I should’ve walked away right after I had set him on the right path instead of accepting his invitation for coffee. My relationship with him is one that still haunts me today.

  “Fair enough. But just so you know, you owe Katrina and I an explanation about this mystery guy.”

  “It’ll take a lot of drinks before I’m willing to open that Pandora’s box ever again.” I cross my arms over my chest as a protective armor.

  Piper cocks her eyebrow. Uh-oh. I’ve seen that determination in her eyes before. “I’m British. I accept the challenge. I have no problems drinking alcohol.” She laughs. Here I thought she was going to drop the subject. I didn’t mean to fuel her.

  Katrina sides with Piper. “I’m Canadian and our beer is twice as strong as that weak stuff you drink in America. I also can hold my liquor fine. Sign. Me. Up.” Both my colleagues laugh. It’s them against me now. How did that even happen? Weren’t we talking about Katrina’s bad date?

  “No, seriously, guys, thanks for wanting to help. You’re wasting your time. I really don’t need sex in my life.”

  “You’re delusional.” Piper’s response comes in a snap.

  “Women don’t need sex as much as men do.” I actually have no statistics to back this claim up, but I’m hoping there’s a shred of truth in my statement somewhere on Google.

  “Bullshit.” Katrina looks as offended as if I’ve insulted a member of her family.

  “Bollocks.” Piper looks equally vexed.

  “That’s an absolute load of crap.” Katrina isn’t backing down. “Maybe that was true for our grandmothers, but even our mothers don’t believe in that ridiculous and archaic propaganda anymore. Men who were afraid of women’s emancipation spread that garbage like wildfire—and it worked for a very long time. That kind of talk was misleading and it had only one purpose—to keep our foremothers barefoot, pregnant and chained to a hot stove so they didn’t know they deserved better. Modern Christianity is way past that. Thank God.”

  I barely have time to take in Katrina’s surprising response before Piper comes after me with as much zeal. “Seriously, Delilah, these are not the kind of words that should come out the mouth of a twenty-four-year-old unless you’re getting ready to enter a convent and live the rest of your life as a nun—which is fine and dandy if you feel such a strong calling to serve God. That’s the only acceptable reason why you would so passionately hold on to such preposterous beliefs.”

  “What she said.” Katrina points to the blonde standing with her arms crossed over her chest. I can’t tell if she’s unimpressed with my views or simply pissed off at me. Maybe a little of both.

  Perhaps I need to spell it out for them. “I’m sorry, but a guy pumping in and out of me, grunting on top of me with his eyes closed while cursing every other second until finally his body goes rigid and he starts calling out to Jesus, or Mary, or Christ, or the Lord isn’t my idea of fun.”

  There’s another collective round of gasps around Piper’s office.

  “Clearly you’ve had rotten experiences or else you wouldn’t say that. Not every lover in your lifetime will be a stallion, but it sounds like every man you have ever been with was a complete and absolute dud.” Now it’s Katrina’s turn to cross her arms over her chest. Her look of dismay matches Piper’s.

  “I guess that would explain why I prefer to clean my oven rather than have sex,” I say. I really do.

  “Your points of references are off.”

  “Piper, I have no other point of reference other than really boring sex,” I respond.

  “Exactly.” Katrina nods. “Sounds like you’ve been dealt a really bad deck of cards when it comes to your past lovers.”

  If you only knew. “As I said before, I repel Mr. Right.” I exhale. As much as I’m sure they want to help, I’m no longer interested in talking about my love life… or should I say lack thereof. “This isn’t the time or the place for me to go into more details about my sorry-ass romantic forays.”

  “Honey, I feel like you need a big Canadian hug.” Katrina opens her arms and embraces me. She doesn’t wait for me to give her permission and I don’t fight it. A few seconds later another set of arms surrounds me. For a few long seconds we stand there holding each other until Piper breaks our little circle of love.

  “I’m okay,” I say, stepping back from them.

  “Don’t worry, Katrina. I have big plans for this one,” Piper says, pointing her thumb at me. “I’m setting things in motion this Saturday night. She’s been living like a nun since she got here. At least now I know why.”

  “Okay, so I don’t go out much,” I quip.

  “You don’t go out at all. That’s very different,” Piper retorts. She has a point. “It’s time to change that.”

  “For the record, I second that.” Katrina lifts her hand, wav
ing it in the air like a kid in school dying to be picked by the teacher to divulge the answer to a complicated mathematical question.

  “I needed time to adjust,” I lament.

  “One week, yes. Two, I get it. Three? No way. You’re just secluding yourself and you’re not living.” Okay, maybe. Piper takes a step towards me and reaches out for my hands. “No matter how many shitty ex-boyfriends you’ve had, the present changes the past. You need new exciting adventures that’ll prove you wrong. I think London is a fresh start for you in so many ways. I was determined to shake things up for you when I suggested last week we go out together this Saturday, but now I’m making it my personal crusade. You’ve officially become my little Mission: Impossible.” Her serious expression slowly changes and she’s now grinning from ear to ear. “And it all kicks off in three days,” she exclaims. Piper’s enthusiasm is scary.

  Piper’s been after me to enjoy London’s nightlife since I got here, but I always manage to wriggle out of it. She’s dead set on helping me spread my wings.

  “Oof. I can breathe easy now. I know Delilah is in good hands. I’m still completely freaked out by her comments about sex, but with a little coaching from you, Piper, I’m sure her wild side will emerge.” Katrina laughs. Wild side? Me? Right.

  “From your lips to God’s ears. I’m only human and there’s only so much I can do.” Now it’s Piper’s turn to laugh. “Care to join us, Katrina? I’m as taken aback as you are and from the sound of it, this covert operation to free Delilah might be bigger than me.” Piper laughs. Funny. “I’m taking our young nonbeliever here to Hush. When I suggested we go out and party, I knew exactly where I wanted to take her.”

  Katrina’s eyes light up. “Holy smokes, I’ve heard so much about that place. I’m dying to go. It’s one of the most popular lounges in the city.”

  “Uh-huh.” Piper is so proud of herself. “And it’s swarming with some of the hottest and most eligible men in London. Where do you think I met Dermott a year and a half ago?” She beams. And here I thought meeting a guy at a bar wouldn’t amount to much. Piper is so blissfully in love, it’s sickening. I know she’s bitching now, but I’m sure this little blip in the road between her and her boyfriend will only strengthen their relationship.

  “Well, well, well. While I wait for Mr. Right to find me, I’m not opposed to enjoying some delicious candy. I’ll definitely have to add Hush to my list,” Katrina ponders, tapping her finger against her chin. “Too bad I’ll be in Paris for the weekend with Val and Mel or else I’d join you. It’ll be my first time in the French capital.”

  “It’s too bad you won’t be here. Not only is it going to be a night of unbridled fun, it’s also going to be a night of big reveals, since Delilah has an appointment with my colorist on Saturday morning for her Euro transformation.”

  When I expressed my desire for a hairstyle change, Piper quickly booked an appointment with her colorist, Gideon Heughan. Since he’s so in demand, I was on a two-month waiting list. Piper tipped me off on requesting to be added to the cancellation list. When a few regulars couldn’t make it, I got a call last Friday and I was able to get an appointment with Gideon much sooner than anticipated—on a Saturday at that. Piper believes it’s a sign of good things to come since it’s the same night we had planned on hanging out at Hush. Piper declared we’d be celebrating three things that night. One, my moving to London. Two, me hitting the town for the first time on this side of the pond. And three, my new hairdo.

  “I’d go with Paris if I were you,” I say meeting Katrina’s gaze. I have a sneaky feeling that dealing with Piper will be more than enough. I don’t need another person breathing down my neck and pressuring me to find a cock for the evening.

  “Delilah, are you trying to—” Katrina pauses. “Is that really the time?” she asks looking at the clock on Piper’s desk. “As much as I’d love to continue this intervention, I have to go, girls. I have an important call with a client in fifteen minutes. This could turn out to be one of my biggest customers so far. Who knows, I might sell more art than Benjamin this month.”

  “We’ll see you later. Go get ’em, as you North Americans say.” Piper laughs.

  “Don’t worry, I will, girl. I intend on removing King Benjamin from his throne.”

  Piper and I laugh.

  “That petulant, arrogant prima donna had a fit when my sales surpassed his by a large margin last month. He’d die if a newcomer were to become the superstar of the month, leaving him in the dust.”

  “I’m so going to make it happen.” Katrina grins ear to ear.

  “Power to you, my sister.” Piper lifts her right hand up in the air. She forms a fist and shakes it a few times as if she’s a freedom fighter.

  “I appreciate the support.” Katrina winks. “See you two later,” Katrina throws over her shoulder, stepping out of the office.

  “I should also get back to work,” Piper says, watching her leave.

  I should do the same. “Actually, I really didn’t come here to pour out my soul or for a relationship therapy session, believe it or not.”

  Piper rolls her eyes at my comment.

  “I came because someone received another bouquet of magnificent flowers this morning.”

  “Really?” she says with a one-shoulder shrug.

  Piper doesn’t fool me with her laissez-faire attitude. “I know Dermott has already sent you five other jaw-dropping bouquets since last week.” He sent one Friday, one on Monday and two gorgeous ones yesterday. “In my humble opinion, these ones are the prettiest so far.”

  “As far as I’m concerned, he can keep groveling.” She shrugs again. This time she uses both shoulders. She sashays to her seat like a diva. Everything about her body language screams that she’s relishing this moment. “I’m not ready to forgive him yet,” she adds, sitting down behind her desk.

  She’s being way too hard on him. “I really think he’s making an effort and he’s really sorry for what he did… or I guess what he didn’t do. I’m sure he’ll never make that mistake ever again.” Clearly from what I’ve already shared, I’m ill equipped to give anyone relationship advice, but I can’t keep my mouth shut. What Piper shares with Dermott is what I would want with a man if I allowed myself to believe.

  “You and your American optimism,” she scolds. “I’m way too British for that,” she says, lifting her chin smugly.

  “Well, if you ask me, you could use some of our ‘it’s possible’ Kool-Aid.”

  “Says the girl who claims she scares Mr. Right away because it’s just not possible for her to catch him in her net.”

  “Touché. That said, I’m single. I don’t have a wonderful man trying his darnedest to show you how sorry he is. What more do you want from him? You should cut him some slack. He’s paid his dues.” I’m going to bat for a guy I’ve only met a few times. The thing is, Piper and Dermott look like they’re so in love.

  “Hmph.” Piper leans forward and puts her elbows on her desk. She places her chin against her folded hands and blinks up at me. “Well, if you ask me, he should’ve put all this effort in last week when it was actually time to celebrate our one-year anniversary of living together. I mean, how can you forget? Do you know how many hints I’ve dropped during the month preceding our big day?” She huffs. Her frustration is palpable. I guess things haven’t quite settled between the two of them since the big blowup.

  “I have five older brothers—”

  “Wow, I didn’t realize you had such a large family. It’s just me and my baby sister.”

  “My parents kept trying. They were determined to have a girl,” I smile. “As I was saying, my brother Connor used to joke that men need a flashing neon sign and a red arrow pointing at it to clue them in to what we’re thinking as women. Since Connor is the closest to me in age, he kind of became my boyfriend whisperer. He always gave me a good old-fashioned pep talk on how to deal with boys when I’d come home bummed out from a bad date.” Not that it prevented me from having the w
orst relationships ever. “So you may have thought you were being so obvious, while Dermott is thinking, What’s got into her? She’s been acting mighty strange lately, right before shrugging it off and focusing on the soccer match he was watching.”

  Piper burst out laughing. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’ve been spying on Dermott and I. That sums things up beautifully. Since I just found out the error of my ways, it all makes sense now. I kept trying harder, but to no avail. Every hint, no matter how unsubtle, just went way over his head.”

  “I firmly believe that the only way to really get a man’s attention is to slap him upside the head. You have to come out and tell them exactly what you want—no pussyfooting. It always worked for me when my brothers ignored me.” I grin.

  Piper exhales as she collapses against the seat of her chair. “Perhaps I’ve been holding a grudge for too long. I guess six days is enough. Maybe it’s time to call a truce.” She sighs. Her tone is much warmer.

  “That’s the spirit. I’m so glad you’ve changed your mind about this. Why don’t I run back to my desk and grab your bouquet?” She shakes her head with a teasing smile on her lips. “What?” She’s already had time to change her mind about the flowers?

  “How can you live without sex for that long and claim you repel good men when you have this much insight?”

  “Frankly, I think it’s the mystery of our time,” I joke. We both laugh. “I’m really good with the logical side of relationships. I fail at picking the right ones.” I shrug. “I’m starting to think it’s a curse, especially after Paul.”

  “Wow. This guy did quite the number on you.” I nod, looking down at my feet. “Personally, I think you only need to meet one or two good ones to completely change your way of thinking.”

  Yeah, with my luck, I wouldn’t hold my breath. Instead of rehashing the conversation we just had when Katrina was still here, I agree. “Maybe you’re right.” I force myself to cheer.